A History
of Beer Pong
By Chester
J. Bottomdale Ph.D
Professor of History
Smart British Person
Oxford University
The concept of Beer Pong, in its rawest form, was invented
by Benjamin Franklin in 1765. According to legend, he came
up with the idea while in London. His motivation was to
find an amusing way to pass the time between his episodes
of womanizing.
The original
setup for the game involved six chalices set up in a triangular
formation, filled halfway with wine. Players would throw
buttons into each others chalices, resulting in a drink
for every successful shot. He called his game “Beirut
Pong”, for reasons lost to history. One month later,
Franklin also invented the paddle version of Beirut Pong,
which involved wooden paddles and a wooden ball.
Franklin
later presented his game to the British Parliament in hopes
of winning respect for the American Colonies. However, the
parliament laughed at him and chastised his game, with the
Prime Minister stating that the game was, “Clearly
below proud English standards and suitable only for a filthy
mongrel or Frenchman.”
Upon
returning home to the American Colonies, he showed both
versions of his game to the various diplomats and governors
of the colonies where it was well received. It wasn't long
before the games spread like wildfire throughout the colonies.
It was during this time that the first major changes to
the game took place as the average citizen at the time could
only afford to use cheap beer and modest wooden cups. While
Franklin agreed to these new universal standards, he himself
would continue to play with wine, which many experts believe
is what caused him to contract Gout later in life.
The success
of the game led to increased importation of cups, beer,
and buttons from England. Attempting to take advantage of
the game's popularity, in January of 1776, British Parliament
simultaneously passed the Beer Act, Cup Act, and Button
Act, putting heavy taxes on all three items. This enraged
the colonists and eventually pushed them over the edge.
It was time for an American Revolution.
After
the war, a major problem emerged. Major cultural differences
had arose about what to officially call the sport. Northerners
believed that the term "Beer Pong" should universally
be used regardless of whether or not the game was being
played with or without paddles. Southerners, on the other
hand, felt that Beer Pong without paddles should go by the
name "Beirut". Delegates at the Constitutional
Convention became engaged in a furious debate over the topic.
Eventually, the matter was settled with the infamous “Three-Fifths
Compromise”, which stated that it was acceptable to
use the term "Beirut", however, those who did
it would be considered 3/5ths retarded in the eyes of the
Federal Government. This is believed to be the origin of
all the stereotypes about how Americans from the south are
backward and dim-witted.
This
was a problem that would not soon go away. During the westward
expansion of the 19th Century, settlers from both the North
and South rushed to colonize new U.S. territories in hopes
of establishing them as either Beer Pong or Beirut states,
respectively. This eventually led to the break out of the
Civil War, with heavy losses sustained on both sides.
At the
end of the Civil War, with the South on the brink of defeat,
they took their redemption shot in the form of a bullet
into Abraham Lincoln’s head. Unfortunately for the
south, it failed to send the Civil War into overtime. Thus,
the USA was fully restored and all present and future states
were declared Beer Pong states forevermore.
By the
end of the 19th century, Beer Pong had also caught on and
become wildly popular among the royal families and ruling
bodies of most of the European countries. With nationalism
becoming increasingly prevalent into the beginning of the
20th century, Beer Pong games between leaders from opposing
countries became increasingly sensationalized with national
superiority and pride constantly at stake. War was clearly
becoming inevitable. Finally, on June 28, 1914, with the
assassination of Austria-Hungary heir and top Beer Pong
protégé Archduke Franz Ferdinand, the Great
War became a terrible reality.
At the
end of World War I, a defeated Germany was forced to sign
the Treaty of Versailles, which officially labeled
them as the worst Beer Pong country on Earth. The resulting
low morale of Germany was exploited by an ambitious Adolf
Hitler when he promised the nation that Germans were the
chosen race of Beer Pong players. Thus Hitler was able to
rise to power and World War II soon broke out. It has also
recently been documented that sometime during the spring
of 1920, Adolf Hitler was shutout in a game of Beer Pong
by a Jewish woman in front of his friends and family.
After
World War II, the sport of Beer Pong was discontinued worldwide
in order to prevent further bloodshed. Things remained this
way until sometime during the late 1970s or early 1980s
when the game began to reappear at various college campuses
in the northeastern United States with the modern rules,
plastic cups, and ping pong balls everyone is familiar with.
Now into the 21st century, the game has exploded into a
popular international phenomenon among teenagers and young
adults. Some groups feel that this new wave of beer pong
popularity will help fulfill the various doomsday prophecies
made by Christians in the Book of Revelations and
the Mayans for the year 2012.
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